Eat, Drink, and Be Married

The first thing you should know about me is that my favorite things in life are eating, drinking, and love. There are many other things that I’m passionate about, like music and media and meaningful learning, but “Eat, Drink and Be Married” pretty much sums up my philosophy of life.

I know that marriage is not for everyone. Nor is it available to everyone, which kills me a little every time I think about it. I respect the straight couples who refuse to get married until gay couples also have that legal right. I suppose I justify my choice to get married the way Jennifer Love Hewitt probably justifies putting out a CD and a memoir. She gets special privileges because she happens to be famous, and I get special privileges because I happen to be straight. Even if we feel sheepish about it, we take advantage of what’s available to us. It’s important to be grateful for that, and to support those opportunities for everyone else. (Not that I’m requesting another The Day I Shot Cupid.)

So, as someone who is lucky enough to have the choice to get married, I had to decide if marriage was for me. I am not religious, so I didn’t need to enter the institution in order to legitimize my partnership. I’d had around 30 years of life experience under my belt and had read plenty about relationships, so I knew what I’d be sacrificing and gaining by getting married. All things considered, I was confident that I did want to get married one day, and that my ideal match would show up eventually.

When I started dating Darren in February of 2008, I fell in love with him quickly and knew early on that I wanted to marry him. We just made sense together. We made each other laugh until our stomachs hurt. We liked to do the same kinds of things, for the most part, and made an effort to “accept our partner’s influence” (as relationship expert John Gottman puts it) in the areas where we differed. Darren started going on walks with me (sometimes); I started watching baseball with him (sometimes). When we got engaged on February 3, 2010, we were both ready to commit to doing these things together over the long haul.

Even though I hoard water glasses on my bedroom dresser. Even though he never washes his coffee cup with soap.

I feel about Darren as Anna Quindlen feels about her husband, “that things do not really happen to me unless I have told them to him.”

I feel about marriage the way that Ellen DeGeneres described it when Oprah asked her and her wife, Portia de Rossi, “Was it important to you to be married?” Ellen replied, “Anybody who’s married knows that there is a difference. It feels like you’re home. There’s an anchor; there’s a safety. I mean, I’m going to be with her ’til the day I die, and I know that.”

What Ellen said — that’s why I’m getting married. It won’t always be easy, of course, but Darren and I will make sure that it’s always interesting. We plan to chart our journey on this blog, in the hopes that you’ll find something of interest here, too.

Tags:   commitment · gay marriage · habits · laughter · partnership2 Comments